Brunch is one of the most important decisions you'll make all week. Why? Because your early-afternoon weekend dalliances into Aperol Spritzes and eggs benny might be saying more about you than you think. So what kind of bruncher are you? The traditionalist? The hedonist? The sophisticate? Your choice reveals as much about you as your astrological sign.
You Are What You Drink
APEROL SPRITZ: THE SOPHISTICATE
An Aperol Spritz at brunch is the mark of someone who knows their stuff. They've got a flair for the unusual without being self-consciously wacky, a taste for the finer things in life, and they're bold without being obnoxious. They're the one who arrives fashionably late but not rudely so, and who is wearing the outfit that you'll see on your favorite street style blog next week. As brunch companions, you can't go wrong with an Aperol Spritz. They're witty, well-read and charming, but they still brunch hard — they order their shrimp and grits with a side of bacon.
Bonus Points: The sophisticate always knows the bartender.
MIMOSA: THE PRINCESS
Look around. When your eye lands on a bruncher who looks like they spent the morning at the hair salon, followed by the gym and then the stylist, that person will inevitably be sipping a mimosa. With exquisite poise and polish, mimosa drinkers are positive they have it all together — and they want to be totally sure you know it too. By the way, the tiny, perfectly coiffed dog in the princess's all-over logo print tote barks fluently in French and German and can trace its lineage all the way back to the Mayflower.
The mimosa drinker is the uptight friend who showed up for one brunch with Carrie Bradshaw and was such a drag that she wasn't invited back. Don't ask them for advice unless you want a judge-y lecture about all your poor choices in life.
Bonus Points: You look like you had a great time last night! The princess so wishes they could still party like that without caring what it did to their skin and hair!
BLOODY MARY: THE PARTY ANIMAL
It has celery, olives and tomato juice in it, so it must be healthy, right? The bloody mary is the brunch beverage of choice of those who prefer to take their vitamins with vodka — it's like a juice cleanse, sort of. The party animal will be picking glitter out of their hair throughout brunch, sunglasses shielding their eyes from the too-bright light of the inside of the restaurant — watch out or you'll get some of their sparkles in your drink.
The party animal might seem like a fun date at first, but wait until they conveniently pass out into the last smears of their Hollandaise sauce just as the check's arriving. Look, they're coming straight from a rave that started at sunrise. Yesterday. They need their beauty rest if they're going to make it out for cocktails in three hours. And, oh, speaking of the check, they're a little low on cash right now; you don't mind covering them, right? They'll get you next time. Pinky swear.
Bonus Points: The sunrise rave was on a boat...in Ibiza.
You Are What You Eat
EGGS BENEDICT: THE TRADITIONALIST
Note that we said traditional, we didn't say boring — we thought about it, but we didn't. The eggs benedict is the classic, old money standby of brunch: it's timeless and reliable, if perhaps a little old hat. Those who order it believe in the importance of history, good breeding and boat shoes. They know the path most-often-taken usually leads somewhere worth going, and they're surely not ashamed of following the crowd. Especially if everyone in the crowd looks like they have a house in Nantucket.
Bonus Points: They're also drinking a mimosa.
FRENCH TOAST: THE HEDONIST
Many have heard the siren song of french toast but it's a rare few who choose to give in to the seduction. Making it through an enormous platter of sugar just moments after waking up is a challenge that will defeat all but the most committed sensualists. As far as fashion is concerned: french toast eaters favor loud prints, expensive perfume and top shelf liquor. They can quote poetry. They're good in bed, yes, but they're unreliable boyfriends.
Bonus Points: The french toast is made from a doughnut.
SHRIMP AND GRITS: THE ICONOCLAST
Let me guess: you're an Aquarius too.
Those who order the most elusive of brunch items are offbeat, slightly loopy charmers with a skewed outlook on life. They can be pleasant brunch companions if you don't mind waiting around — they'll be late every single time, but once they show up it will be worth it.
Bonus Points: They salvaged their caftan from their neighbor's trash.
SIDE OF BACON: THE SECRET LUNATIC
While it shows a certain amount of restraint to order only a side as one's entire meal, that restraint begins to contradict itself when the side is a big plate of bacon. While you're at it why don't you order the ice cream salad too?
Side-of-baconers might appear to be normal, but look into their eyes and you'll see a war raging inside. If you know one of these deeply conflicted individuals, please treat him with kindness and caution. If you are one, meditation helps.
Bonus Points: While eating their extra crispy bacon, they know how to casually ask whether seltzer will get bloodstains out of their white shirt (for a friend).
Rethinking that french toast and bloody mary right about now? Join the sophisticate club. Learn more about the Aperol Brunch Society here.
is the author of several novels for young people, including
September Girls (HarperCollins 2013) and The Blonde of the Joke. He lives
in Brooklyn, New York.