Newcastle bought this ad to promote the S**** B*** commercial they couldn't afford to make. I know you're probably cycling through the five stages of grief since you're reading an ad and ew, gross, but maybe just stop reading and watch the videos I've embedded. After all, Newcastle didn't pay Gawker Media a fraction of the cost of a S**** B*** commercial so you could read another think piece about M*ckl*m*r*.
No, they bought this space in a shameless attempt to force their Mega Huge Football Ad — and smooth, delicious Newcastle Brown Ale — down your throats. They also "bought" me — an in-house copywriter — because actual Deadspin writers can't accept money from advertisers (not that I'm personally cashing Newcastle's checks but you know, whatever). As someone being paid to write this, I have to say that it's the greatest ad ever, mostly because Newcastle asked me to use those exact words. Is it the greatest ad I've ever been paid to call the greatest ad ever? Yes.
Anyway, since Newcastle doesn't have the bankroll to create a super fancy, tangentially-related-to-football commercial, they've paid us to show you how focus groups would've reacted to an ad that was never made. They loved it — or would have loved it, if Newcastle had the money to produce the thing, which they don't.
They're not even saying they'd ever waste their money on a coveted S**** B*** spot, they're just saying that if they did, they'd do it better than everyone else. And they're also showing you how they'd do that. By creating several smaller, more affordable ads. And then buying this advertorial to put all the ads in. Um...what's that behind you?
Still here? You've totally earned a delicious, refreshing beer — preferably a Newcastle. Drink it while you watch the ads. Then send them to your friends, really help Newcastle get their money's worth. In return, they'll never assume that buying a S**** B*** spot is a reasonable way to sell beers. (But is this? Is it working? Don't answer that.)
Stephanie Georgopulos is a Senior Content Producer at Gawker Media.