Unless you have terrible breath or say things like "amazeballs," you probably have friends. The real question is do you have a best friend? Someone who will squeeze a zit you can't reach, or watch the same rom com with you over and over, handing you the tissues the moment before you start to weep — someone like the women of IFC's Garfunkel and Oates, who are an inspirational couple of straight-talking, uke-slinging ride-or-die bitches.
If you have someone in your life that you're thinking of promoting to BFF status, or someone you think may already have earned the crown, don't make any sudden movements. BFFs are rare, and you want to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. Take this quiz and you'll find out if homegirl is the Patsy to your Edina, or just a regular-ass friend (that's a technical term, by the way).
1. You got a seriously wack short haircut and now your head looks like an uncircumcised penis. When your friend comes by to check the new do she…
a. pretends to like it, using bullshit adjectives like "provocative," "European," and "dangerous."
b. without saying a word throws a bag over your head, dumps you in the trunk of her car and runs every red light to get you to Cristophe's in Beverly Hills for an emergency makeover.
2. You're going through a rough patch — the technical term is crippling depression — and you haven't showered or left the house in days. The last time you heard from your friend was...
a. weeks ago when you used to be fun — she seems to have disappeared ever since you changed your FB profile pic to Edward Scissorhands.
b. an hour ago when she staged an intervention to get you some help.
3. You've got a raging UTI from a third-date-gone-wild situation and it feels like you're peeing jalapeños. When you text your friend that you can't get off the toilet she…
a. texts back "that sux" and a sadface cat emoji.
b. shows up at your doorstep with a gallon of cranberry juice, a pile of trashy mags and Azione, the over-the-counter bladder pain medicine. (Never heard of Azione? YOU'RE WELCOME!)
4. You bring your super sexy new man-piece to your friend's dinner party. When you go into the bathroom to freshen up, your pal…
a. bats her eyelashes and asks to feel his triceps.
b. immediately goes into a TED talk about how amazing you are, even making a couple things up about how you saved a child from drowning and went to Haiti after the earthquake.
5. You moved across the country and now live 3,000 miles from your closest friend. A month into the move you have heard from her...
a. a couple of times when she accidentally butt-dialed you.
b. every night at 7pm PT/10pm ET when you have your video chat date/séance.
If you answered mostly As: Sorry, girl — this is a regular-ass friend. She's not the worst, but you won't be in touch in a year from now, #trust.
If you answered mostly Bs: This woman — yes, woman — is a keeper. You two are one run in with a hustler short of going on a road trip/murder spree across the country and then driving off a cliff which means #RealLove.
To learn more about a what it means to be a real BFF watch Garfunkel and Oates, which premieres tonight at 10 PM ET on IFC.
Rose Surnow is a humor writer for websites and magazines such as New York Magazine, VICE, Cosmo, SELF and more. She is currently getting an MFA in TV Writing at USC.