[Update: the comments are now closed.] Are you feeling pathetic and mojo-less and unable to perform in the presence of a paying cougar? Looks like you need some gigolo pointers. Heed the advice inspired by TV gigolo Bobby Bottleservice of Comedy Central's Kroll Show.
Step 1: Go on a rigorous juice cleanse. The drink of choice? Capri Sun. Stick the juice sack in a blinged-out koozy and call it a night. Sticky, artificial, and Day-Glo in nature, this intoxicating elixir will make you sweat gumdrops all over the clurb. Leave a sexy little gumdrop trail to your exclusive, deluxe, purple plush VIP banquette and the lovelies will flock to you like babies or birds flock to candy or nests or whatever.
Step 2: Improve your musk. No girl wants to date a guy who's basically an armpit with a mouth, so you're gonna need a signature scent once you're done with your juice cleanse. Hot and spicy pepper spray makes the chicas schvitz and the chandeliers click. BONUS! Its unfuhgeddabouditable smell holds up, even from a respectable distance. If you feel a slight tingle, that means it's working.
Step 3: Switch to an organic-only diet. For the freshest natural foods, hit up the public park, pluck some weeds out of the soil, and boom! Salad. Don't even wash that shit, the dirt's where all the nutrients are at. By getting your organic food from the park, you'll save time, money, and you'll get your intestinal tract working overtime (which creates fertilizer, get it?) that you can use to grow your own organics and flowers - 'cause ladies.
Step 4: Manscape. Make a statement. I've got gargoyle wings.
Step 5: Listen to the How Stella Got Her Groove Back audiobook while developing your deltoids. Make sure it's not the audiobook for the original novel — you're gonna want the audiobook from the novelization of the movie that was based on the book. It's even shorter than the movie, and it's mostly full of sensual scenes that will get you and anyone within 10 feet of you in the mood for rubbing together.
Step 6: Stop reading lists on the Internet. Guys who read are boring (that's why we roll with the audiobooks). Ladies hate guys who read lists on the Internet, and they especially, implicitly hate guys who read lists on the Internet about how to improve themselves. Real gigolos don't read, or try to improve themselves, ever. They just chill and be awesome and let the good times emanate from their beings (along with gumdrops, man-musk, and organic food emissions). So chill and be awesome, and you're all good.
Update: Bobby Bottleservice had to get ready for his premiere tonight, but you can relive his journey from pathetic loser to the most awesome gigolo/reality star on the planet in the comments section and watch season 2 of Kroll Show tonight (and every Tuesday) at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.